Thirteen Ways of Looking at Twilight—8
You will want to know my motives. These I can explain quite clearly—let’s start with what they are not. I am not driven by anything moral or doctrinaire. I do not see myself as a “patriot.” I’m not trying to save the republic, I’m not trying to make a point. No, my reasons are purely selfish. Spiritual fatigue. Or, phrased another way, the desire to escape myself.
There are other words for it: transcendence, enlightenment, salvation, redemption. Sadly, my lifelong quest for such a state has come up dry. And I’m getting old. It is with open eyes, and out of a primal longing for relief, that tomorrow afternoon I will undergo IQ reduction surgery.
“Surgery” they rather grandly call it—it’s really just a zap to the head.
What’s to fear? Think of it as a phase shift. From effete, emotionally drained, tired of life, to stupid, self-righteous, and brimming with energy! If you’re miserable you know you are—if you’re stupid you don’t.
Do the math.
* * *
My old life:
Agonizing over the complex, deep-rooted problems of our times while watching otherwise responsible people swallowing the propaganda of our airwaves hook line and sinker, and without any real information or mental effort blaming everything on their neighbors—hereafter referred to as “Them.” People so terrified of thinking they long for dictators.
Watching the western capitalistic church turn Christianity into something directly contradictory to the Christian ethic. Marveling that religious leaders (politicians in disguise) are avaricious, hypocritical opportunists, and even more mystified that people believe them.
Knowing that we are turning the earth into a poisonous sty and continuing to live like pigs all the same.
Trying to reconcile the fact that there are people in this world who must walk ten miles a day to fill a jug of water, while others take their poodles to therapy.
Seeing people suffer from abstractions built on the personal pathologies or magical thinking of others. Witnessing those people destroy other people because of something they need to believe. People, for instance, who find the chance and randomness and indifference to life that nature lives by so distasteful they can justify torturing an already crushed person.
Weary of trying to process such things, weary of my own soul, I thought to myself—why am I living a life of constant anxiety when with a painless, five-minute procedure I can be free of it all?
* * *
Imagine:
Living with energy and purpose and lust!
Not just believing, but passionately believing, in whatever conspiracy facts (no more calling them “theories”) give me a thrill. Going to rallies with a hat, flag, and ice chest. Sharing the ecstasy of hating Them, whoever They are. Being effortlessly able to block out 99% of the contrary evidence of something I don’t want to believe, then never worrying over it again. Experiencing the heroin rush of belonging to a tribe. It doesn’t matter the persuasion—it’s the energy I covet.
Believing my god is bigger than yours. Having no qualms about people being eternally tortured for not thinking what I think. Or for not believing something they never heard of. Getting a warm fuzzy feeling from believing the world was created 6000 years ago by an old white guy, and not being totally convinced it’s round.
Knowing forests are being mowed down and dying from climate change, dooming future life, and not losing one second of sleep over it. It’s probably fake, but if it’s true it’s not my problem. Same with the countless species, They say, headed to extinction. Or having the idea that our lifestyle is poisoning the planet crammed down my throat.
The hell with rationality, the hell with conscience. What did they ever get me but sleepless nights?
This is war. War between the moral principle and the pleasure principle. And if the moral principle wins, don’t wonder why there’s no pleasure in it.
Think of it like time running backwards, an idea which some quantum physicists entertain in theory—like moving from age to youth. Away from knowledge, wisdom, despair, and toward innocence and the absence of anxiety. I mean, think about it—the only reason you worry about things is because you know about them.
Check with your health care provider to see if IQ reduction is right for you.
May 4, 2022